I’m feeling so emotional lately. Life has been hard the past couple of months as it seems my endo is coming back and I’ve been dealing with flare up after flare up.
I had three flare ups in just one week of June and my body isn’t bouncing back like it once was. Neither physically nor emotionally. But that is another post for another time.
I’m on day 9 of my cycle which is usually the last day of my period and everything is making me tear up. I’m in this strange little space of limbo while we wait to move forward with our IVF journey in Liverpool now instead of Halifax.
For the last seven years I’ve just been a girl with a dream of becoming a Mama to a tiny little human that I would grow inside of me and in the last two of those seven years my life has twisted in ways I never saw coming that have altered my reality of becoming a Mama.
The small truth of the matter is having my Fallopian tubes removed was not my decision but it didn’t change the fact I couldn’t get pregnant.
My tubes were blocked and corroded by Endometriosis and sometimes it’s hard, so damn hard to accept what this disease/condition has done to my body and will continue to do.
It has taken away part of my ability to conceive and reduced my chances to such a small and seemly insignificant number yet I still hold hope. A tiny flicker flame of hope.
But it’s hard to already be a year into our IVF journey and still not have started or be anywhere near close to being pregnant or a failed attempt.
It’s especially hard when you see so many people you know announce their pregnancies. In the past few weeks alone three people I know have announced their pregnancies and while I’m beyond happy for them and for their families to start and expand I am also finding it hard. Crippling hard at times.
I’m not an envious or jealous person by nature but that’s how I feel with each new pregnancy announcement that pops up while we continue to wait to move forward with our own journey and these feelings are hard for me to deal with. To wrestle and subdue. To understand.
I am happy and I am sad.
I’m all smiles and joy on the outside but on the inside I’m silent and still trying my hardest not to weep.
The honest raw truth of the matter is: it’s so fucking hard living and dealing with infertility and this is only the start of our journey.