On Not Giving a Fuck

I find this kind of funny. Earlier this year I read someone’s blog post about how important reading The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A F*uck really was for them and how it resonated with them and they wrote a list about the things they needed to not give a fuck about.

It was a great post and a good read.

Then there’s little old me, thinking eh I wish there was something I gave a fuck about.

You see, the way my life has been over the last ten years with having an invisible chronic illness and all the doctors appointments, virginal exams and surgeries my barriers have become less and less and my attitude has drastically changed. Especially during my rediagnoses and dealing with my symptoms this time around.

I’ve literally hit a point where I stopped giving a fuck.

You need to do a virginal swop.

Have at it.

You need to poke my stomach to see if it’s tender, even though I know this is going to hurt like a bitch. Why not?

You need to stick your finger up my bum to check it’s not a ‘serious’ bleed.

Go on then.

You need to take a blood sample/inject me with some lovely fake hormones in the hopes it might balance me out or reduce my pain or reduce the endo growth.

Hurry up already, I haven’t got all day just stick it in and were done.

Can you see maybe why I’ve stopped giving a fuck?

Talking to my surgeon about a possible outcome of my surgery equalling a colostomy bag and my response being just ok, befuddled him.

When he went on to explain what a colostomy bag was I had to cut him off and inform him I knew I just didn’t give a fuck so long as I ended up with some form of a life compared to the 8 days (if I was lucky 14 days) of wellness that I was getting now. I quite frankly didn’t care because something, anything had to be better than this!

And what I’ve realised is, I’d like to give a fuck about something, anything really but for right now I don’t and nothing really seems to be fazing me. It makes me a little sad if I think about it too much so I try not to but there it is.

I’d like to know I’m not the only one not giving a fuck right now. I do like to kid myself and think after this surgery (which feels like it’s never going to happen and is another blog post in its self) I’ll start to care more. But I know I’m going to be only joking myself.

I’m most likely going to be coming away from it with giving even fewer fucks than I do now. Which isn’t saying much really.