Bare With Me

January 31, 2016

Did you know, that I normally really enjoy January? No? That’s properly because I don’t share that much here.

I like January because it’s cold.
I like January because sometimes it snows and I like snow.
I like January because I get to celebrate our anniversary with my guy.
I like January because other people usually don’t.
I like January because it’s the month before my birthday.
I like January because there’s just something about the month I like.

However, I haven’t liked this January. But to be honest it’s not January’s fault. Nope not January’s fault at all.

The fault however, is down to my endometriosis. January has been a bad, bad, bad month because of my endo. There has been three continuous days of diarrhoea and two of vomiting. One day I was vomiting every thirty minutes for nearly six hours.

Instead of being able to celebrate our 10 year anniversary this month, I was stuck mainly in the bathroom and in bed and I cried a lot about this. I barely had the energy to open my gifts that Ryan got me, instead he kindly opened them for me and held me while I cried until I couldn’t cry any more.

I’ve lost so much weight. I’m down to a weight I haven’t been since I was in my late teens and early twenties.

I have been exhausted, pushed to my limit, and oh so nauseous. At one point this month we really thought I was pregnant. False alarm. My body just wanted to trick me. Evil shit.

I’ve only been able to leave the house seven times this month.

I keep trying, I keep believing, I keep persevering and I keeping thinking I can do this, I can get through this month. But it’s really hit me that this isn’t just another month, this month makes it seven whole months of trying to get though and survive and god that’s soul destroying.

I just want to stop the pain.
I just want to be able to eat normally.
I just want to stop surviving and start living again.

So please bare with me and try and understand why sometimes there might not be a blog post for days and days and days. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s just that I’m in agonising pain and am trying to get through the day.

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